Once Burned, Twice Shy

While some people believe that they can drive their own destiny, still others believe that some matters are controlled by fate, God(s), Karma, or some cosmic force. Some celestial guide puts people in our lives for a reason, there is an intention. It isn’t accidental. It is these same people that believe in love at first sight.

I’ve had my own experience with love at first sight. After a fast crash-and-burn romance of two or three weeks I recovered with the help of my friends. I’ve really got to hand it to them for all of their patience, encouragement, and strength. I don’t know how I got so emotionally involved so quickly, but you know as they say, “the star that shines the brightest, burns the fastest.” For about a week after it, my friends shared stories, sympathized, and reminded me daily “He isn’t worth half this much attention. Some one better will come along.” By the middle of the second week I was feeling stronger and had less of a hangdog look. I had responsibilities, things I needed to get done that I’d neglected during my distractions. I felt I could face the world again, on my own.

Sure enough in the absence of good friends, guess who appears. Yep, my ex. Y a know that feeling you get, like when something occurs almost too coincidentally, but you know it couldn't have been planned because none of the elements are familiar with each other, not by a long shot? That's what it felt like. So a morning exchange of the emails is finished yesterday and I go out to get some additional official copies of my credential and transcript records over at C.S.U.N. I figure that it should only take a few minutes and the odds of running into Allan are pretty slim. I mean, he moved down to Long Beach, didn't he? Besides, I'm supposed to be past that now. I'm in the Admissions and Records office, sweating out the heat in the typical long line of people shuffling along through the labyrinth of cordoned ropes. Big fans whirr, a baby cries, a few people talk in hushed but irritated voices on their cellulars, everyone is perspiring and although this is an institution of higher learning it looks like everyone has just about reached the end of his or her higher educated patience, including me. We may be in the twenty first century, but the university admissions and records system is like a rationing line at the D.M.V. in the Soviet Socialist Republic. I almost wanted to buy my way past everyone with a pair of blue jeans.

Two more turns and I’ll be done. Finished. I’ll be free to take my official papers and leave the Kremlin of academia. This last stretch of line has to endure the direct waft of hot air roiling in from the double doors and students coming and going. It’s tolerable when I remember that in only a few seconds I’ll be face to face with a clerk that will take my instructions to get me whatever obscure papers and paperwork I want, anything just to get one more hot and agitated body out of this room. I was just wiping the perspiration from the back of my neck when another blast from the oven door sent the air over me again, and when I look in the direction of the door I saw Allan walk in.

Gulp. My brows furrowed and I had a half crooked grin as I figured “Well, what are the chances this would happen?” It’s a big campus, and he just finished his master’s work with the spring semester, who’d have thought he’d be back so soon. F’ing chance!” I’ve never been strong with a belief in Devine plan, but if there is one I figure He’s timed the execution of character entrances and exits far too comically in my life. Oh sure, I’m always on time where I need to be; and I’m always ready when someone says they’re coming for a visit; but spontaneous arrivals of the last person on earth I would never want to see are the common occurrences in my life I hate. they always happen to me when I look my absolute worst. Oeuf!

So I’m turning away, trying not to look like I’m hiding, hoping that I am inconspicuously lost in the crowd, cursing the f’ing god that is responsible for this turn of fate. Is God enjoying this? What a sick mind He has. Why does he always throw me these screwballs? Couldn’t he just go watch some I Love Lucy reruns, or something? Geez, he’s God, fer gad sake. He could resurrect Lucy and make her perform live if He wanted. Try not to think, try not to think ...it’s just one more turn, try not to think.

But oh no, God’s having none of that. In this twisted Greek-key pattern of the labyrinth, we’re going to end up face to face at the very last turn. Man! Gimmie a break! At the mid point in the final stretch I get the idea to turn around and start walking backward as I progress. It’s an easy avoidance since the woman behind me has a toddler in a stroller, and what mother isn’t used to complete stranger’s fawning over their kid? So start in a sotto voice just audible between parent and myself, but not loud enough to be heard at any distance. “Awww. He’s adorable.”

“She.”

“Oh, sorry” I apologize. “How old is she?”

“Fifteen. She gets her license next week.”

“Oh, ‘ha-ha’” I look wryly at the mother. “So she must be a freshman.” I add to her joke. I was just crouching to return the grasp of the baby’s outstretched hands when the line shifted.

“It looks like you’re next” the mother said with a gentle smile.

“Oh, right.” Good, I thought. Now all I have to do is get up, turn around for two steps to the front of the line. Keeping my focus on the first available clerk will be easy and perfectly normal. It won’t seem like I’m avoiding anything at all. Stand up, about face, one step forward –oh, gawd. It’s the last step and I’m face to face with Allan.

He looks up from over the edge of the paperwork he’s trying to fill out while in line. His glasses are almost sliding off the end of his nose. He looks like a father catching one of his sons sneaking out after curfew. “Hey.” he says. “I haven’t heard from you for a while.” Man is he ever cool.

I look up and down the long counter of clerk windows. Every one of them is busy and showing no signs of letting up soon, so I turn back to him. “Uhm, yea. You hadn’t written or called for a while.” -A long while, I wanted to add. In fact. You’d just sort of vanished without a trace after two weeks of calling me every day, and sending me a new email between those. It was overwhelming, but you got me right where you wanted me. I hope it was good for you, because the ride was great and a pretty furious rush for me.

A window opened.

“I gotta go; it looks like it’s my turn.” I said as I stepped up to my place.

“Oh, well, don’t be a stranger.” he murmured, and then loudly, “I’ll call you!”

I turned around and looked at him right in the eye for just a second. It was only a split second of locked eye contact and I know I had that stunned silent expression like when I actually hear someone say the “F” word. “Sir?” a clerk’s voice was calling to me. I turned away from my hesitation and went back to the direction I was headed. I never looked back.

There’s this nagging reminder whenever I think back at that moment. Should I have said anything? Should I have taken the first step back? I didn’t, that’s all I know. It feels empty, that conclusion, as if I didn’t learn anything but I should have.